Becoming Leela Ha
June 9, 2023
This year I became increasingly aware of the essence of true nature. I have been discovering and uncovering my essential self. The me that is not my experiences, not my thoughts, not my emotions, not my body. I am laughter. I am play.
I carry a name that does not resonate with me. But is a mere convenience so people know how to call me.
I have been learning and practicing Ayurveda for a little over a year, mainly through the application of Divya Alter’s cook books. I have healed much of my GI issues thru her two extremely applicable cook books. Through Divya’s Instagram account I found Jai Dev Singh with Life Force Academy and I began watching his Complete Ayurveda course. Jai Dev is in a different yogic tradition than myself, he is in a Kundalini lineage. Through his course he suggested the practice of the mantra “sat nam.” Meaning true name. This was very good timing for me. As I had been recently wanting to discover my true name.
I began practicing sat nam in addition to my regular mantra meditation practices. On April 30, I decided to string a mala seeded with sat nam. Originally I intended to do a full 108 mala, but by the 31st knot, I realized I didn’t have enough string to take me to 108. But the 31 beads did fit quite perfectly around my wrist. So I made a little wrist amulet of sat nam. Whenever I wear a wrist mala, the mantra seeded in it is close to me and in my mind and heart constantly. So sat nam became a constant for me. Sat nam, sat nam, sat nam, sat nam….
Each morning at HerFest, I was instructed to stand in the four directions and say my name out loud four times in each direction. To call ourselves home to ourselves. This was excruciating for me. I couldn’t say my name comfortably. Jennifer eeeeeeks Mickey ehhh Malloy, noooooo. I tried my birth name and it was even worse. Mickey was ok, but not really even. After the first morning, I pulled my teacher Steph Chee aside and confessed, “Steph, I don’t know who the hell I am….” She was not surprised by this. Over the next four days I would try different things. Jrmbhini and bhini were options, but they weren’t right either. One morning I said, “Amie Marie Heeter” because Amie Marie Heeter was standing to my right and saying her name out loudly and enough times that I just said it with her. I also am not Amie Marie Heeter. I wondered who am I, how do I call myself home to me?
